Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
Let's get the cat blown out
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Randomize
