We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
