I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
