Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
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