It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
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