Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
It's like God shit irony all over that family
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Randomize
