Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
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