yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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