i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
Randomize
