I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
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