so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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