I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
