You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
Randomize
