So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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