I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
pray to the hookup gods
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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