I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
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Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
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Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
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