I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
Randomize
