I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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