Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
