The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
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