Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
Randomize
