Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Randomize
