that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Randomize
