I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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