i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
Oh god it's open bar.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
