I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
Randomize
