carls jr on main st. japanese tourist taking a dump in the urinal. reading a japanese newspaper and wearing a full suit.
be there in 3 mins
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
