what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
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