he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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