Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Randomize
