Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Randomize
