He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
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