The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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