True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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