Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
Randomize
