There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
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