The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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