the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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