You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
Randomize
