doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
Randomize
