The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
Randomize
