Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
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