I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
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