i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
you didnt know i had herpes?
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
