Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
