How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
