I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
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