I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
Randomize
