I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Randomize
