he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
She even gives head with a lisp.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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