taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Randomize
