$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Buhtt sex?
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Randomize
