I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
Randomize
