UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
Oh and itβs been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! ππππ¬π³π
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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