dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
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