found the other keg... it's in the tree
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
Randomize
