I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
He uses pillows to masturbate.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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