We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Randomize
