Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
As gay men are we obligated to learn the Single Ladies dance.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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