Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
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