I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
Randomize
