he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
