Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Randomize
